Sometimes I wonder what the heck I'm doing. And usually the answer is, "nothing." I'm doing nothing and it's frustrating. What's even more frustrating is that I don't want to do anything. And sometimes I want to do something but for some reason, can't. Perhaps depression has grabbed a hold of me a little harder than it usually does. Maybe it's my cold that keeps me from doing. Maybe it's my back. Maybe those are excuses.
It's a sunny day out there, probably warm too. And it makes me feel guilty that I should be out there enjoying the sun. In truth, though, it's January. It's supposed to be gloomy and cold outside. That's what my body tells me, that's what I'm used to and so I can't shake that feeling. I don't understand the sun in January.
I have a list a mile long why I don't do stuff . . . costs - even the cost of gas getting to/from, fatigue - this one never quits, illness, loneliness - even though if I had a million people surrounding me right now, I'd just want to disappear and not be with them any way, pain - chronic headaches, depression - a constant companion, weather - it's never quite right, resting up for the next onslaught of responsibilities, the list goes on.
There's no magic cure. I'm not looking for one. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or someone to force me out of my hole. Sometimes I just want to say that I'm doing nothing. Sometimes I just want to be honest. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm an actual functioning and "go get 'im" type of person. Just in case there's anyone else out there like me - at least you know that you're not the only one. It doesn't mean we'll get together or anything, just that there's another person like you.
6 years ago
5 comments:
I know EXACTLY how you feel and am glad I'm not the only one.
And great pictures of home. I love outdoor pictures and especially ones taken in the snow.
Don't worry, I never thought of you as functioning. Just kidding. :) Didn't you miss me? There is no magic cure, BUT, some peppy music comes close. My sister gave me a rad CD and I listen to it all the time... The only problem? Although it keeps me from doing nothing, instead of doing what I should be doing, sometimes I just get up and dance.
PS It's okay to do nothing. And most people don't do nothing enough.
I have times like that. I am sure it is hard after being around your family to have to come back here so far away. It looks like a fun trip. Are those deer right by the house? That would be so neat to live out in the woods.
Hugs Roccy. I'm with Anna. Sometimes we don't do nothing enough, and in our society we feel pressure to do do do all the time. I don't fight days like this anymore. I figure, if I feel like doing nothing than that's probably what I need. I give myself permission to do nothing until I feel like doing something and just relieving that pressure and guilt helps.
This brings to mind an excellent series of posts some wonderful person once wrote on the benefits of boredom. :)
And I think you're awesome for writing such an honest post. I've been reading blogs today thinking the only thing I'd like to write on mine is: "I'm not happy today."
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